By Andrea Reiher
It’s here, guys! “America’s Got Talent” is back in all its crazy glory! Strap in, we’ve got two hours of nuttiness tonight.
The opening montage shows us clips from the other “Got Talents” from all over the world, including Susan Boyle herself. That poor lady. I dig Nick Cannon as the new host, he’s got some charisma. He may be as pointless as Jerry Springer, but at least he’s more animated. I also enjoyed his Drumline bromance with Forest from season 4 of Buffy.
Now, if you’ll remember from my recaps last year… the editing of this show is totally effed up. They go from city to city to city, instead of just showcasing one city at a time. It’s annoying. I’ll try to keep up with Where in the World Are the Auditions, but I apologize if I get confused.
New York City is our first location. Up first is Ray Schwarz, a 26 year-old teacher’s aid. He looks like Tom Everett Scott’s inbred cousin. He sings “Little Less Conversation” and step-touches awkwardly. Remember when Jesse Spano taught Zack how to dance? It looks a little like that. He gets buzzed off.
Bad Montage. Possibly James Taylor playing the guitar and harmonica while riding a unicyle, a white “rapper,” and Randall Flagg from “The Stand” fire dancing with a tiny woman whose hair catches on fire. Now that is a way to kick off this show.
We’re now in Chicago. Because this show has ADD. Up first in Chi-town is 48 year-old Moses Lanham, who claims he is the only known living person who can do his talent. Hmmm. He comes onstage with his jacket on backwards because he is going to turn his feet 180 degrees and then walk. It’s freaky, though I’ll say that his feet are not completely turned 180 degrees. It’s like his feet are backwards, but he has a club foot. Next!
Our first good audition of the night is FootworkKINGz. It’s a group of six young men who live in rough inner city neighborhoods and have formed this dance group. That’s cool, good on them. They dance to an instrumental piece that I should know and cannot recall. Either way, the dancing is good. Very quick and fairly in sync. They need some polish but are certainly good enough to go to the next round.
Next up is a family of blonde siblings from Wisconsin called Shine. Oh lord. It’s totally Brady-Bunch-Patridge-Family-Osmond crap. THeir names are Bert, Nan, Flossie and Freddie. I bet when these four were younger they looked totally Children of the Corn. They sing “Walking on Sunshine” and it’s awful. I have to wonder if these people know they’re being funny or if they legitimately think they have talent? The judges are easy on them because I think they can tell that these creepy cheese-eaters actually think they are good.
Bad Montage. Dancing Jamaican bobsledders, Melissa Rivers in a bikini while her mom Joan plays an accordion, a Cher wannabe, and a 17 year-old who wishes he had been born in about 1970.
Up now is a Barack Obama imitator named Pete Peterkin. He’s… meh. He’s got some of the Obama speech patterns down but it’s also kind of James Brown doing Barack Obama. No sooner have I typed that then Pete puts on a wig and goes into his James Brown imitation. Honestly, this guy isn’t good enough to play Branson, let alone Vegas. He says he does about 100 imitations and plays 15 instruments. The crowd chants Vegas, but the judges are on the fence. They end up putting him through, though.
Good Montage. Black Fire Percussion, an awesome drumline (where’s Nick Cannon?), Anointed S, a vocal percussionist (interesting, but not a whole act), and Unexpected Step Team (very good).