American Idol Top 9 Beatles Review: The Judges Truly Moved Us This Week…

And after we were done, washed our hands of American Idol as a viable venue for judging talent, and returned from the john, we sat down and tried to analyze what was clearly one of the worst weeks in Idol history from a performance and judging perspective.

One huge problem with this week was the Beatles theme. Out of approximately 400 Beatles songs, not including those done by the individual artists, the bulk of this hapless bunch picked the most overdone and/or boring possible.

But the worst part of all was not listening to the performances themselves, but listening to the judges bickering about style or suffering through the inconsistent and nonsensical comments after each performer had struggled through their respective debacle. (Note all the performers were not horrible, just most of them)

We are changing our rating scale this week. Normally we rate each performance on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being akin to glass being dragged across a chalk board, and 10 being a performance we would like to hear on the radio, or maybe even add to our personal collection!

This week, each artist butchered their particular song in their own special way save a couple. And the judges were clueless. Some of the comments made by this hapless lot prove these individuals are oxygen deprived and suffering from severe brain hemorrhage.

So, this week, we will rate the contestants from 1-10, 1 being the least likely to make their audience barf and 10 being the least likely to get their audience to turn off the radio for the rest of their life.

Before we begin, we send out a humble apology to Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr for the embarrassment American Idol has caused you, and we hope that John Lennon’s and George Harrison’s memorials can be repaired after the severe disturbances resulting as they continually rolled over in their graves.

1. Aaron Kelly – “The Long and Winding Road” – We were certain after this performance and after Aaron had to go first, he was certain to rank even below Tim Urban. Aaron picked this song because he has been deluded into believing he can sing. It is painful to watch him because he takes himself so seriously and we feel embarrassed, like when we watch a relative we know can’t hit a single note jump up at a wedding and do a karaoke performance of some outdated love song. This was pure pain because the song, while beautiful, requires an extremely strong artist, and was made popular by one of the best pop vocalists of all time. Aaron made it his own, entering a performance consistent with listening to the after lunch symphony in a men’s room. On a nauseating scale of 1-10, this rates an 8/10.

2. Katie Stevens – “Let It Be” – If you are going to pick a Beatles song, and you honestly believe you are going to compare to them in any way, you shouldn’t pick one of the biggest hits of all time. We don’t normally criticize song choice, but Katie proved we are wrong about that some of the time. For anyone to think they can perform this song well demonstrates a total lack of any understanding of music, or a total inability to grasp how insignificant the performance will be. Katie was far from unquestionable talent on this performance. After babbling and making idiotic comments about Aaron’s Long Whining Toad, the judges started actually arguing about whether this performance was a country or pop/R&B style. They are so clueless, and they get millions to embarrass both America and the worldwide audience. To add insult to injury, the judges liked this horrific, although on key performance, that sounded more like what we would hear during a mid-summer church service while we daydreamed about bolting for the beach as soon as the final note was over. On the nauseating scale of 1-10, Katie almost matched Aaron. (7/10)

3. Andrew Garcia – “Can’t Buy Me Love” – Andrew did a fun and inspiring performance of this song. We think it a bit too pop for his style, but he performed it extremely well and embarrassed the performers that went before him. So, what did the sub-80 IQ judges say? They dumped on it, except for the Ellen, our breath of fresh air. After we had been nauseated two consecutive times by performances upon which the judges commented positively, they bashed Andrew for what was one of his best stage performances of the season, and one we would love to hear on the radio. We can’t rate him up with Crystal this or any week, but he did not make us want to part with our lunch. (2/10)

4. Michael Lynche – “Eleanor Rigby” – We don’t like Michael, but he has a fantastic voice. So week after week, we have these moments where we are so disappointed he is doing well. We didn’t have to worry about it this week. Michael belted out the song alright; it just wasn’t Eleanor Rigby. We have no idea what it was. The judges idiotically claimed they could hear this on the radio. Hopefully not on any radio we listen to. Michael looked comical as he practically kissed the microphone during the performance looking as though if he inhaled he would accidentally consume the thing and have to be rushed to the hospital. This was a horrible performance. Michael destroyed a great song by making it his own. And the judges were clueless. On a nauseating scale of 1-10, (9/10)

5. Crystal Bowersox – “Come Together” –Crystal once again was the shining star. She was so far above the performers that went before her that we think she should go straight to the finals. The only negative comment this clueless bunch of judges could make was to say that it wasn’t her best performance, because there is nothing really negative to say at all, and the judges would do best to just say nothing at all. (1/10)

6. Tim Urban – “All My Loving” – Leave it to Tim to make All My Loving sound like a Ringo Starr song. He played guitar on this song, and it reminded us of a young child that had just finished his first year of guitar lessons and was finally playing for his parents for the first time. He took the song, which is fun and romantic and made it into a dull and senseless torture. After it was over, the judges appeared to be trying to convince the audience not to vote for him any more by actually praising this horrific disaster, even saying they could listen to it on the radio! On the nauseating scale of 1-10, Tim didn’t do all that badly, but only because Michael had been so completely nauseating. (7/10)

7. Casey James – “Jealous Guy” – Casey chose to do a John Lennon song, which we didn’t care for much. It wasn’t because he didn’t nail it, he did. It was because there are so many wonderful Beatles songs so why do an obscure Lennon tune. We could list at least 40 songs he could have done and demonstrated equal talent and the audience could have better identified with. Still, he had a driving performance and received great praise from the judges in their first successful attempt of the night to judge musical talent. So, Casey gets a 1/10 because he was far from nauseating, but we give Crystal the nod on what we would rather hear on the radio.

8. Siobhan Magnus – “Across the Universe” – Well, somebody should change Siobhan’s world this week. What in John Lennon’s name was she thinking? She butchered this song performing it as though it was a Beatles song being performed by a no talent high school opera singer. We weren’t totally nauseated as we were with Michael, but it was pretty sickening. (7/10)

9. Lee Dewyze – “Hey Jude” – Once again, a choice of one of the biggest hits of all time and that has been so overdone on this show and on television by artists that cannot hold a candle to the Beatles. So, what do we get out of Lee this week after some great performances we thought for sure would put him into our MP3 player? We get a boring and foolish off key performance in which a bag pipe player walks down the stairs to join him at the end. A bag pipe player. On Hey Jude. Did we say he was playing a bag pipe? Did we say he was wearing a Scottish kilt? Did we say how completely idiotic it made the performance? Still it was not as sickening as most. (6/10)

So, this week, we have to ship out those contestants most likely to send us rushing to the rest room.

Crystal, Casey and Andrew were great and did not rank among the toilet humor of this show. So, they are safe, thankfully, because we were running out of undigested food.

The rest were all horrible. The four most nauseating were, in this order:

1. Michael Lynche

2. Aaron Kelly

3. Tim Urban

4. Siobhan Magnus

If the audience listens to the judges, who were horrible and defied common sense this week, but still unfortunately influence votes, one of the best performers of the week, Andrew Garcia would go home, and the worst, Michael Lynche just cinched a place in the finals. That is how completely off the mark these judges were, and we hope the audience sees right through their fallacy of self importance.

Our bottom three have to come from the four above, which is almost in direct contrast to the judges’ stated opinions. These four were all horrible, but Michael stood out in the tidy bowl bunch, and if he doesn’t make the bottom three this week, just give him the million bucks, because no one can hear anyway and we can save time.

Aaron should have gone last week but he survived thanks to the tone deaf judges. Once again, they assisted him when they should have just plain out stated he stunk worse than Tim Urban has all season. He is in our bottom three for sure and we hope he doesn’t circle the bowl long before he gets flushed.

Tim Urban was as bad as always, but the Judges have started to actually praise him. Despite the fact that Tim’s haircut looks like it would be effective for cleaning the toilet, we think he wasn’t much worse than Siobhan. The judges praised his flatulent performance and could fool the audience into saving him again this week.

Siobhan was horrible this week and destroyed a great Beatles tune. We think this gal needs a wake-up call because she is good, but she has been butchering songs for several weeks now. If Tim isn’t in the bottom 3, or if Mike is saved because of the blind, deaf and dumb judges failing to flush him, Siobhan should kiss the bottom of the bowl this week.

All that said, we think Michael should go home. If Didi can be eliminated for a bad week, then Michael should go before he swallows a microphone. Didi had a real chance to make the top five if she had gotten to this week. This is exactly the style of music in which she excels. But she blew it on a bad performance last week. Michael blew it worse this week and should go. He shouldn’t be saved.

However, if we are rating the overall nausea factor over several weeks, we would like Aaron to go and would cheer as well if Tim were the chosen one.

Nuff said, we have to go clean up.

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