9/03 Season 3: America’s Got Talent Is Decent Again, STOP THE PRESSES!!

W e had one error in last night’s picks. The baton twirler, Jonathan Berkin, got through over Matthew Piazzi. We were real close on those two having them both ranked at 7/10, but decided that impersonations were more likely to make an hour long Vegas act than baton twirling. We also think Jonathan needs to dress up his act. Not the batons, etc. Himself. He needs some pizzazz! But he got voted through.

So once again, we had four out of five.

Winners from Last Night:

1. Jonathan Berkin
2. Sarah Lenore
3. Joseph Hall
4. Taubl Family
5. Sickstep

Now for tonight’s performers:

1. The Dallas Desperados Dancers (5/10)

Just cheerleaders. Buzz by Piers. Then Sharon. Of course Hasselhoff wouldn’t buzz young women in skimpy outfits, but he should have. Lame choreography, bad even for an average high school cheerleader team.

Overall, *TGFFF.

2. Bryan Cheatham (5/10)

Chippendale that thinks he can sing. Super Corny Intro. Sang “You Are My Everything”. Kind of flat in parts. Buzz 1 Piers. Not good. Back to the Jock Strap tips for this guy. Sharon says, “Cut the crap.” To get voted on, he would have to cheat ’em.

3. Flambeaux (5/10)

Fire Eater. Starts off cool. Then drags a bit and gets a buzz by Sharon, then Piers.
Audience booing. Overall, pretty dumb. Three buzzes.

4. Kaitlyn Maher (6/10)

4 year old mostly Child Sympathy Act. “I feel wike a big pwincess”. Sang “What a Wonderful World”. Off key, but majorly cute. So, if you vote for singing and karaoke, she is a 2, if you vote cute, she is a an 8. Audience goes nuts. Judges play up to her pathetically. Even Jerry takes advantage of the schmoozing.

5. Dorae Saunders (3/10)

Cheap Lip Sync Act Female Impersonator trying to look like Tina Turner. More proof that this is just a freak show by bringing on the third transvestite or transexual act in the top 40! We don’t think Kaitlyn was a transvestite, but you never know at her age. So it could be four! He does Disco Inferno. Piers buzzed early, the others didn’t buzz at all. They all should have. Pathetic lip sync. Sharon says she loves her. Oh brother. “Only in America can a transsexual play it live to 20 million people and pull it off”, exclaimed Hasselhoff. Well, David, we are not sure what she was pulling off, but it wasn’t this act. But we are certain she (it) can perform for you and pull it off.

6. Donald Braswell (7/10)

Big Sob Story after getting to come back as the Wild Card. America supposedly picked him, so let’s hear it. “To Dream The Impossible Dream”. Strong voice, good fake tan, we would not pay for him, but he was good and on key. Standing O. But Sharon hit it. The shows like Lawrence Welk aren’t on anymore and they are likely the only forum where Donald would be relevant. We have a job for him, he would make a great puppet for Terry Fator!!

7. Indiggo Twins (4/10)

Cute gals, that do a kinky dance act and sing. Hasselhoff says they are like vampires. We will see if they suck. Buzz right away by Piers. What else is new. Audience is booing within seconds. We know Hasselhoff will never buzz gals in skimpy outfits no matter how bad they are. But Hasselhoff was right about the vampire thing, they suck.

8. Tapping Dads (7/10)

Finally, these guys will get to do their act. They have hidden this act for weeks. Piers does not like them. Starts good. Nice sync. Good choreography. Buzz by Piers. But the audience disagrees and loves them. If the cameras would stay on the act, we could better judge them, but we liked them. Fun stuff. Piers is an idiot. Sharon saw it and tried to throttle him.

9. Eli Mattson (9/10)

Piano Player singer. Gets a one point deduction automatically for belonging on American Idol if he is indeed any good. Has a style similar to Marc Kohn. In fact, Eli did one of Marc’s songs last week. His Piano is good, his voice on key, and he has it all. Right on point. Guy is great. He would have a shot on Idol. Standing O.

Eli’s Version of Walking on Memphis.

10. Nuttin But Stringz (8/10)

Two guys that play the violin. Starts off good. Fun stuff. Building violin play, kind of intense, kind of corny. Piers says they are the favorite act in the competition. They are quite good, although a very odd act.

OK, the picks for us are pretty easy. The talent was totally evident.
1. Eli Mattson
2. Nuttin But Stringz
3. Tapping Dads
4. Donald Braswell
5. Kaitlyn Maher

We don’t need to play the child sympathy game this week, because the child sympathy act actually made it in by a hair into our top 5 because the bottom five acts were so horrible. But she will be out next week.

Eli has greatness built into his voice. Get him on Idol!!

*TGFFF: Thank gad for fast forward

8/9 America’s Got Talent, But This Show Has Become a Joke!!

We should start by saying we loved this show the first year through last.  It has found some real talent, brought us a number of diverse acts, and entertained us week after week.  We are hoping this year is an anomaly in what has been a consistent winner, but has now become the Jerry Springer freak show.

We would like to see Jerry go as the host.  It is hard to take him seriously given his background.  All we can think of when we see him is his own personal freak show, in which the typical episode stars two fat women duking it out over the an ugly guy that is cheating on them both with sheep.

The judges we can give some slack.  We think the show could stand to get someone with actual talent to be a judge, but in reality, that is not necessary.  All of us can recognize talent, so they should be able to do the job.   Right?

The show begins informing the audience that there were over 100 acts passed through to Vegas!!  They missed the point.  Of the 100, least 60 of them were no-talents that did not belong here in the first place.

It is not easy to be a judge on this show, because it is not easy to pick the winner (but the viewing audience does that); that is challenging.  It is, however, extremely easy to pick out those that could compete for a chance at performing 45 minutes or more day after day in Las Vegas.  They try to make the trivial seem difficult, and it is totally disingenuous.

We have decided we are likely to cut this show if it does not improve big time.  It is not sincere and most of what they discover and play up is garbage.  It is much more beneficial to our audience if we spend time on genuine reality shows, and will likely spend our time focusing our future articles on the Olympics, the American Idols and other reality that is genuine, not Jerry Springer farces.

Back to the show.  They now tried to play up the Elvis impersonator, Joseph Hall.  After the “should we pass him through” nonsense act, and a bunch of patronizing filler, they pass him through.  How many commercials did that justify?

Is 90 minutes up yet, please????!!!!  Nope, not yet. They emulate the audition climaxes in American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance.  They bring on the Chippendale singer, and play him up for all it is worth.  And the decision is?  Sharon says, “We are definitely giving you a place in our semi-final”.  Why?   We hear there are male strip joints in Hollywood, so if he doesn’t make it on this show, we know not all is lost.  Sharon made sure she got his phone number as she slipped a twenty into his trousers.

It is time to play up the child acts, which is pathetic exploitation of children.  And they send a mediocre child singer to Hollywood that has no prayer of winning.  They all cuddle up with her as though she is their granddaughter.  Pathetic.  But they gave her tokens for the slots and black jack in Vegas, so that was cool!!

Now they whip through several acts and crush the dreams of folks that eat too many donuts!

Time for two twin sisters, “Indigo”!  They come on wearing nearly nothing, and Hasselhoff eyes light up as usual.  They get sent on to Hollywood, after Hasselhoff offers dinner to Sharon and Piers to see if he can bed the twins before they get sent packing.

Now it is time for the sympathy acts.  They have elderly and more children crying before the commercial.  OK, we are all set for the tears.  We are crying already from enduring this show!!  So why shouldn’t the children cry too?

“It is my last chance” says a pouting Paul Salos.  Sorry if we spelled it wrong, because this show cannot afford to use subtitles.  It is his last chance!!!  Of course it is, the guy is 74 years old!!  We figure that Paul can get some great birthday performances to assist him in his retirement.  “My wife loves me so much she put my picture on a stamp”.  Yeah, that costs about two bucks these days, but that is about what your act is worth!!  They let him through, but it wasn’t because of talent. More sympathy votes.

They then send a couple of obligatory pathetic child acts through to Hollywood to play on the audience’s heartstrings.  We are getting sick of this show taking advantage of children and the elderly to try and make their show seem sympathetic, while collecting millions in commercial revenues.  Find us talent.  As Hasselhoff says about two times a show, “THAT IS WHAT THIS SHOW IS ALL ABOUT!!!”.  If this show just focused on the target, they would get there!! Last year was great, they did their jobs.  This year, they are not!!

So now, the writers figure, let’s play up the Iraq angle again.  The soldier performed last week and forgot the words, but this show hasn’t exploited him enough just yet.  The minimal talent soldier gets sent to Hollywood,  How can the show vote through someone that has no real talent, cannot win, and cannot even remember the words to a song?  We get it now, talent does not matter.  Just go to Iraq or get some other angle that the show can exploit, and you get to the finals!!!   Talent is irrelevant.  We suggest that become the new title of the show!!!  “Talent Is Irrelevant”.  What do you think?

They then work through a bunch of acts we cannot cover.  We are sorry, they did it so fast, that if they were even half way decent, they could have spent five minutes on them instead of so much time on the self-aggrandizing judges.

They still haven’t gotten it yet.  Our readers are disgusted with how misogynistic these judges are.  We want talent.  They are not it!!  Try and convince us what you have found is worth 20 minutes of consecutive commercials!!

Queen Emily gets a cameo that is long enough for us to actually catch her name.  “I have waited for this moment for over 25 years!”  Folks, the woman is 40 years old.  Her dream of a diet probably started long after age 15.  The judges put her through, and played up the nonsense through a commercial set before they did so.  Could they be any more condescending towards the audience?

So they patronize us some more passing through a few more token performers to Hollywood, making us all feel how kind and loving the judges are.  In the next ten minutes, they whip through act after act, and they quickly eliminate people that should never have passed the original audition in the first place. They break to more commercials playing to your emotions, or stupidity, as you are convinced to buy a new car or a specific brand of toothpaste.

They did eventually turn to the Brittney transvestite.  Jerry paid to get her through to the finals and plans a future show with her, uh him, uh it, acting as the mistress to two fat guys both married to the same hooker.  Her jockstrap was shining, and we are sure Jerry was proud.  She said “All they have to do is put their mind to it” as she caressed her Cubic Zirconia dog collar.  Wow.

We just had to stop.  There was no talent on this show.   The judges were pathetic, the show was worse.  It was all a play on the heartstrings of America, but there was no Terry Fator in this crowd.  We said to watch the final, don’t bother.  Watch the Olympics.  That is reality television.  This is a joke.

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