9/02 Season 3: America’s Got Pity (Talent), Sympathy Acts Win, Long Tiring Show

T he show begins with the weakest talent on this or any other show, Jerry Springer. Quite honestly, he is a major detriment to this show.  Where is Ryan Seacrest when you need him?

They break to a ton of performers saying it is their dream to win, I’ve come so far, blah blah blah.

What strikes us overall as this show progresses is that the judges continually pass through acts that do not belong on the show, just to bash or buzz them later.  How could they have been so stupid to let through some of these acts in the first place?   And then later criticize the talent they strapped us with because they were too soft or lazy to knock them off in the first place?  Was talent really sparse in the entire United States this year or is this show getting incredibly lazy?

We got to *TGFFF as Jerry and the Judges try to make themselves look important.

The acts from last week that get to go on were a total joke.  The audience got suckered into every bad sympathy act there is and skipped some real talent in the process.  We are suggesting they change the name of the show to “America’s Got Pity” with this set of selections.  But honestly, we have come to anticipate an audience that votes for sympathy acts, and this is very close to what we thought the audience would vote for…but it wasn’t who deserved to win.

1. Paul Salos (America falls for the Elderly Sympathy Act)
2. Wright Kids (Child Sympathy minimal talent act)
3. Daniel Jens (Iraq Sympathy no talent act)
4. Queen Emily
5. Zoo-Perstars

Our only error in what we suggested that an audience vulnerable to sympathy acts would vote for was “Slippery Kittens”.  We honestly thought they would pick at least some talent in between the silly sympathy plays, but the audience even picked Daniel Jens again, showing how pathetically vulnerable America is to pity.

Daniel has no talent.  He does not belong here.  How the audience could vote for him and actually think he had a prayer of playing in Vegas is beyond us, but sympathy works.  America loves charity, so make sure you sell some candy bars at your local supermarket for $5.00 each.  You can make more pretending you are pathetic in need of money than performing any viable untrained job.  A proven fact is the fake homeless in Boston make more money than experienced workers at McDonald’s.

But if such a sympathy act got through to Vegas, they would not survive two weeks.  Vegas and paying customers have no sympathy.

Someone has to realize America voted for a man that forgot his words in a simple song, then sang lame karaoke on his next performance.  We are thinking it was a set-up by America’s Got Talent to continue to play the Iraq sympathy act.  They realize their talent sucks overall this year.  So, to keep people watching, they have to play the heartstrings.

The audience proved that they aren’t completely inept in their voting.  They voted in every mediocre talent sympathy act possible.  Daniel Jens stunk.  The Wright Kids were child karaoke!!  Paul Salos does not even compare in talent to the Slippery Kittens gals.  Paul is quite a joke and sounds nothing like Sinatra.  Good for a wedding act, but Vegas??? Are you serious?  But they did vote through the real talent from last week.  Zoo-perstars!!

Last week, the show redeemed itself with some real talent and then America voted out most of that talent this week.  If it wasn’t for the fact the Zoo-Perstars survived, we would believe Piers had one hell of a fast speed dialer to make sure the junk rose to the top. Every sympathy act won regardless of how horrible they were and some real talent got sent home.

So what pain did we endure in this next 10 of the final 40 in America?  Think about that, these are among the top 40 acts of of well over 300 million Americans.  It is the best this show could do.

Act 1: Texas State Slutters err Strutters  (2/10)

More bad camera action, having no clue where to place the camera.  All over the place.  My father used to do better with home videos and an 8 mm black and white.

Just like in their first performance, they looked like basic cheerleaders.  Three buzzes this time.  Took the judges one performance more to figure out these gals belong in a strip club not on stage?

Act 2:  Michael Strelo-Smith (6/10)

Fattest singer on the planet.  I am not sure what McDonald’s and Dunkin’ Donuts has to do with singing but these folks can sing.  But they have to be fed, so it may not be worth the compromise with world hunger what it is.

His voice is good, but he chose a tune that didn’t fit him, I am What I am by Gloria Gaynor, and garners two out of three buzzers by the end.  Now, we think he was at least a good singer.  To pass through a no-talent like Jens and then vote this guy out demonstrates there is something stupid going on here.

The judges sucked worse.  Actually, this time Hasselhoff had the only intelligent statement.  Piers and Sharon were dunces.  Not because they didn’t vote for him, but because their advice was wrong, useless and had no merit.   Personally, I don’t think he is worth a million, but compared to last week’s sympathy acts, he looks like a Zoo-Perstar, and wouldn’t even need the inflatable suit!  Whoops.

Act 3: Bruce Block (1/10)

The trick? Cut a horse in half.  Brings on a fake horse with a bunch of midgets.  So instead of cutting a horse in half, he puts it back together.  Box opens and there is a pony inside.  Yippie Kae Yo!!  Piers buzzed him, the audience was kind.  The act was transparent at best.  Next.

Act 4: Shequida (1/10)

U-Tranny Bolt – the fastest XXX on the planet!!  And yet the judges only gave this spastic fool a single X?

Drag Queen doing Opera version of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”.  Horrible.

We have seen more transvestite talent in Provincetown taking a leak in a dirty paper cup.

Act 5: Taubl Family (6/10)

Starts off good with the boys in harmony, singing “Umbrella” by Rihanna.

As the rest of the family joined in, it was harsh.  We are not sure what the instruments were for except for the intro.  They held them nice.  Standing O.  Why? Cuz everyone else absolutely sucked.

Act 6: Jonathan Burkin (7/10)

Juggling act.  Starts with some flaming batons.  Does some awkward flips.  Continues to dance like he should be joining the U-Tranny act cheering for a losing football team.  He dances to Elton John, which seems to exemplify his sexual taste.

With all the fire, he is a tad entertaining, but we are thinking every cheerleader that has ever practiced with a baton is saying, “I could do that”.

He finishes with a double flip after throwing the baton in the air and catches it.  That got the audience really going, but again, it was in comparison to crap, so we don’t know how to judge it.

He didn’t drop any of his batons.  He hit every move.  He looks overly gay, but hey, as Seinfeild said, “There is nothing wrong with that”.  The judges thought it was, as Piers said, “incredible”.  But it really wasn’t.

“You are the best baton twirler in the world!!”, said Hasselhoff.

Act 7: Sarah Lenore (9/10)

Sarah is a singer with a guitar she carries for show, but doesn’t apparently know how to play.  She loses one point automatically for belonging on Idol if she has any real talent.

She sings “I’m not Ready to Make Nice” and has a great voice.  Guitar is a prop, but hey, we have seen that before with better talents than her.  She sounds as good as some Carrie Underwear stuff and she is absolutely hot.  Great smile.  Great Hair.  Great look.  She has it!!

If it wasn’t for the fact she belongs on Idol not here, she would get 10/10.

Act 8: Sickstep (8/10)

Basketball break dancing?  Very well choreographed.  Plays to the talents of each performer.

Great coordination.  Fun.  Loved it.  Standing, jumping O!!

Act 9: Matthew Piazzi (7/10)

Matthew is an impersonator.  He started with a good Schwartzeneger impersonation, followed by a pretty good Jack Nicholson.  Then, a pretty poor Vince Vaughn, and a very good George Clooney.

Then he jumped into a Jerry Lee Lewis song, “Great Balls Of Fire” and lost us a bit, because it wasn’t an impersonation, or at least not a good one.  It was fun, the piano was good.  He tried to do impersonations while singing, but he was losing the ability to impersonate as he sang.  Not sure if it was the tone or he was getting winded.

Standing O though.

Piers, “I think you blew it big time by singing and playing the piano.  Great impersonations.”  We think he should impersonate Piers.

Hasselhoff the only man with brains in this show. Please, it can’t be!!  “I thought you did great”.  We did too.  Just a bit of fade on the piano.  Singing impersonations are very hard.

Act 10: Joseph Hall (8/10)

The girls love him, guys don’t like him.  13 year olds screaming.  That is a good sign.  He used props and got the audience going.

Tons of dancers, etc. with him.  But the voice wasn’t Elvis.  Fun act, but if you are supposed to be an Elvis impersonator, we think you should sound like Elvis.

Jailhouse Rock.  Good for next week.  Standing O!

Sharon thinks he lost his “naughtiness”.  Sharon says she likes them dirty and hopes he comes back dirty.  LOL.

So here are our choices:

1. Sarah Lenore
2. Sickstep
3. Joseph Hall
4. Matthew Piazzi
5. Taubl Family

There are really no sympathy acts this week, so we don’t think the audience will diverge much from our selection.  They are gullible to the sympathy plays, but when there aren’t any, we think they can pick the best talent.

*TGFFF: thank gad for fast forward