9/02 Season 3: America’s Got Pity (Talent), Sympathy Acts Win, Long Tiring Show

T he show begins with the weakest talent on this or any other show, Jerry Springer. Quite honestly, he is a major detriment to this show.  Where is Ryan Seacrest when you need him?

They break to a ton of performers saying it is their dream to win, I’ve come so far, blah blah blah.

What strikes us overall as this show progresses is that the judges continually pass through acts that do not belong on the show, just to bash or buzz them later.  How could they have been so stupid to let through some of these acts in the first place?   And then later criticize the talent they strapped us with because they were too soft or lazy to knock them off in the first place?  Was talent really sparse in the entire United States this year or is this show getting incredibly lazy?

We got to *TGFFF as Jerry and the Judges try to make themselves look important.

The acts from last week that get to go on were a total joke.  The audience got suckered into every bad sympathy act there is and skipped some real talent in the process.  We are suggesting they change the name of the show to “America’s Got Pity” with this set of selections.  But honestly, we have come to anticipate an audience that votes for sympathy acts, and this is very close to what we thought the audience would vote for…but it wasn’t who deserved to win.

1. Paul Salos (America falls for the Elderly Sympathy Act)
2. Wright Kids (Child Sympathy minimal talent act)
3. Daniel Jens (Iraq Sympathy no talent act)
4. Queen Emily
5. Zoo-Perstars

Our only error in what we suggested that an audience vulnerable to sympathy acts would vote for was “Slippery Kittens”.  We honestly thought they would pick at least some talent in between the silly sympathy plays, but the audience even picked Daniel Jens again, showing how pathetically vulnerable America is to pity.

Daniel has no talent.  He does not belong here.  How the audience could vote for him and actually think he had a prayer of playing in Vegas is beyond us, but sympathy works.  America loves charity, so make sure you sell some candy bars at your local supermarket for $5.00 each.  You can make more pretending you are pathetic in need of money than performing any viable untrained job.  A proven fact is the fake homeless in Boston make more money than experienced workers at McDonald’s.

But if such a sympathy act got through to Vegas, they would not survive two weeks.  Vegas and paying customers have no sympathy.

Someone has to realize America voted for a man that forgot his words in a simple song, then sang lame karaoke on his next performance.  We are thinking it was a set-up by America’s Got Talent to continue to play the Iraq sympathy act.  They realize their talent sucks overall this year.  So, to keep people watching, they have to play the heartstrings.

The audience proved that they aren’t completely inept in their voting.  They voted in every mediocre talent sympathy act possible.  Daniel Jens stunk.  The Wright Kids were child karaoke!!  Paul Salos does not even compare in talent to the Slippery Kittens gals.  Paul is quite a joke and sounds nothing like Sinatra.  Good for a wedding act, but Vegas??? Are you serious?  But they did vote through the real talent from last week.  Zoo-perstars!!

Last week, the show redeemed itself with some real talent and then America voted out most of that talent this week.  If it wasn’t for the fact the Zoo-Perstars survived, we would believe Piers had one hell of a fast speed dialer to make sure the junk rose to the top. Every sympathy act won regardless of how horrible they were and some real talent got sent home.

So what pain did we endure in this next 10 of the final 40 in America?  Think about that, these are among the top 40 acts of of well over 300 million Americans.  It is the best this show could do.

Act 1: Texas State Slutters err Strutters  (2/10)

More bad camera action, having no clue where to place the camera.  All over the place.  My father used to do better with home videos and an 8 mm black and white.

Just like in their first performance, they looked like basic cheerleaders.  Three buzzes this time.  Took the judges one performance more to figure out these gals belong in a strip club not on stage?

Act 2:  Michael Strelo-Smith (6/10)

Fattest singer on the planet.  I am not sure what McDonald’s and Dunkin’ Donuts has to do with singing but these folks can sing.  But they have to be fed, so it may not be worth the compromise with world hunger what it is.

His voice is good, but he chose a tune that didn’t fit him, I am What I am by Gloria Gaynor, and garners two out of three buzzers by the end.  Now, we think he was at least a good singer.  To pass through a no-talent like Jens and then vote this guy out demonstrates there is something stupid going on here.

The judges sucked worse.  Actually, this time Hasselhoff had the only intelligent statement.  Piers and Sharon were dunces.  Not because they didn’t vote for him, but because their advice was wrong, useless and had no merit.   Personally, I don’t think he is worth a million, but compared to last week’s sympathy acts, he looks like a Zoo-Perstar, and wouldn’t even need the inflatable suit!  Whoops.

Act 3: Bruce Block (1/10)

The trick? Cut a horse in half.  Brings on a fake horse with a bunch of midgets.  So instead of cutting a horse in half, he puts it back together.  Box opens and there is a pony inside.  Yippie Kae Yo!!  Piers buzzed him, the audience was kind.  The act was transparent at best.  Next.

Act 4: Shequida (1/10)

U-Tranny Bolt – the fastest XXX on the planet!!  And yet the judges only gave this spastic fool a single X?

Drag Queen doing Opera version of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”.  Horrible.

We have seen more transvestite talent in Provincetown taking a leak in a dirty paper cup.

Act 5: Taubl Family (6/10)

Starts off good with the boys in harmony, singing “Umbrella” by Rihanna.

As the rest of the family joined in, it was harsh.  We are not sure what the instruments were for except for the intro.  They held them nice.  Standing O.  Why? Cuz everyone else absolutely sucked.

Act 6: Jonathan Burkin (7/10)

Juggling act.  Starts with some flaming batons.  Does some awkward flips.  Continues to dance like he should be joining the U-Tranny act cheering for a losing football team.  He dances to Elton John, which seems to exemplify his sexual taste.

With all the fire, he is a tad entertaining, but we are thinking every cheerleader that has ever practiced with a baton is saying, “I could do that”.

He finishes with a double flip after throwing the baton in the air and catches it.  That got the audience really going, but again, it was in comparison to crap, so we don’t know how to judge it.

He didn’t drop any of his batons.  He hit every move.  He looks overly gay, but hey, as Seinfeild said, “There is nothing wrong with that”.  The judges thought it was, as Piers said, “incredible”.  But it really wasn’t.

“You are the best baton twirler in the world!!”, said Hasselhoff.

Act 7: Sarah Lenore (9/10)

Sarah is a singer with a guitar she carries for show, but doesn’t apparently know how to play.  She loses one point automatically for belonging on Idol if she has any real talent.

She sings “I’m not Ready to Make Nice” and has a great voice.  Guitar is a prop, but hey, we have seen that before with better talents than her.  She sounds as good as some Carrie Underwear stuff and she is absolutely hot.  Great smile.  Great Hair.  Great look.  She has it!!

If it wasn’t for the fact she belongs on Idol not here, she would get 10/10.

Act 8: Sickstep (8/10)

Basketball break dancing?  Very well choreographed.  Plays to the talents of each performer.

Great coordination.  Fun.  Loved it.  Standing, jumping O!!

Act 9: Matthew Piazzi (7/10)

Matthew is an impersonator.  He started with a good Schwartzeneger impersonation, followed by a pretty good Jack Nicholson.  Then, a pretty poor Vince Vaughn, and a very good George Clooney.

Then he jumped into a Jerry Lee Lewis song, “Great Balls Of Fire” and lost us a bit, because it wasn’t an impersonation, or at least not a good one.  It was fun, the piano was good.  He tried to do impersonations while singing, but he was losing the ability to impersonate as he sang.  Not sure if it was the tone or he was getting winded.

Standing O though.

Piers, “I think you blew it big time by singing and playing the piano.  Great impersonations.”  We think he should impersonate Piers.

Hasselhoff the only man with brains in this show. Please, it can’t be!!  “I thought you did great”.  We did too.  Just a bit of fade on the piano.  Singing impersonations are very hard.

Act 10: Joseph Hall (8/10)

The girls love him, guys don’t like him.  13 year olds screaming.  That is a good sign.  He used props and got the audience going.

Tons of dancers, etc. with him.  But the voice wasn’t Elvis.  Fun act, but if you are supposed to be an Elvis impersonator, we think you should sound like Elvis.

Jailhouse Rock.  Good for next week.  Standing O!

Sharon thinks he lost his “naughtiness”.  Sharon says she likes them dirty and hopes he comes back dirty.  LOL.

So here are our choices:

1. Sarah Lenore
2. Sickstep
3. Joseph Hall
4. Matthew Piazzi
5. Taubl Family

There are really no sympathy acts this week, so we don’t think the audience will diverge much from our selection.  They are gullible to the sympathy plays, but when there aren’t any, we think they can pick the best talent.

*TGFFF: thank gad for fast forward

8/27 Season 3 Recap & Prediction: America’s Got Talent Finally Redeems Itself!!

It was time, finally time, for America’s Got Talent to show America they listened to the criticism at myrealitytelevision.com, because it is criticism we read throughout the internet, and it is from our readers and others like you.  Week after week, people were getting ready to give up on how pathetic this show had become and told us why.  We told AGT, and we think they got the point, either through us or through the web.

Any way you cut it, tonight things were different.  We liked the format of the show from the start, eliminating last week’s introductory noise, and for the fist time in weeks, we preferred the show to the commercials.

It is possible the Olympic break gave AGT’s choreographers a chance to use their noggins and earn their pay.  We hope this lasts through the finale.

Last night, we called 4 out of 5.  Our only mistake was Cadence.  We think they weren’t good enough, but we were looking at a bunch of mediocre cowboy dancers as competition, so that could have gone either way

  1. Neal E. Boyd
  2. Jessica Price
  3. James Gang
  4. Cadence
  5. Extreme Dance FX

We want to give the audience huge credit for voting out the little girl stunt show.  They saw right through the nonsense.  She had a great cry for the cameras, and it warmed our hearts to see her go for the James Gang who actually have some talent.

Well, NOW let’s get on to this week…

1. Beyond Belief Dance Company (8/10)

21 Cheerleaders that call themselves dancers.  They needed a whining cameo.  “Oh we have sprained ankles, whine whine”. The Acrobatics were OK.  They had good choreography, not great, and were a bit random at times.  They were in sync for the most part.  It was difficult to rate them because of the poor camera work by NBC.  A large show like this requires you be able to see the entire act, and it was difficult because they didn’t keep the wide angle on, and the camera crew judged what they thought was important.  That is not good for a show where the audience is supposed to vote.  We did, however, get a great cliché from Sharon.  “You have to take it to a higher level”.  D’uh  Thanks Sharon.  Who doesn’t?  It was good fun.  And better than anything last night.

2. Paul Salos (7/10)

Sinatra Impersonator.  Paul is an elderly sympathy act at 72.  He isn’t bad, and starts off in a Sinatra-like suit with some ladies with canes having a Vegas appeal.  We give Paul credit, he actually does the singing; this is at least Karaoke, not just lip sync! He did “My Way”.  Now, you have to hear Sinatra to know this guy doesn’t sound much like him, but he is fun, and he has his moments.  So we have to put him through.  The finale kept him from getting a higher score.  Frank never said “My WEEE”.  If not for the finale, he would be tied with BBDC.  Judges played up to him, but if this guy is worth a million bucks, our website is with 2 million.  It took forty years for this guy to get this far, and for his ears to get this big.

3. Kazual (7/10)

Temptations like group.  The sneakers and outfits did not look good.  Good synchronization.  Good finish.  A bit flat at times.  Piers buzzed them and said exactly what we thought.  Good harmonies, but the solos weren’t good enough.  Fun stuff though.

4. Zoo-perstars.  (9/10)

Inflatable Dancers.  They look like team mascots.  There was a hysterical cameo.  It was totally sarcastic of the show’s condescending whining cameos.  The leader said, “This competition means everything to us. We have dedicated our lives, sacrificed our families, our friends…”, all while in an inflatable chipmunk outfit.  We were already laughing at all the pathetic heart-string sob stories in earlier AGT cameos.  “America will vote for us because we are pretty, short and sweet.”

We already did!!

Piers said “This is not Talent”, but he totally missed the point of the Zoo-perstars.  It was a satire of everything stupid in America’s Got Talent!  Piers buzzed them  immediately.  They danced to Macho Man in inflated mascot outfits and had us in hysterics.  The chipmunk leader completed the YMCA signature move with his feet while standing on his head. For the finale, the inflatable snail eats one of the crew. Even Piers was reluctantly laughing at the end. Standing O!!!

Piers showed Springer is not the only narcissist on the show; he actually told the audience to shut up?  Piers, don’t be a condescending prick or you WILL be deported.  Our only complaint about the act is they could have used funnier inflatable costumes, like an inflatable Hillary.  If they were to pull off a couple of more creative inflatable costumes, these guys could win a million bucks!!

5. The Wright Kids. (7/10)

No sob story cameo.  Basic family story.  Good job.  Kind of a child sympathy act, but good.  They did a Monkey’s tune, “Daydream Believer”.  First kid’s singing was a bit flat.  They look like they are playing instruments, maybe they are, but the background drowns them out.  In fact, you can’t hear the kids instruments at all.  Really, it is karaoke, but cute.  Standing O.

6. Jonathan Arons (7/10)

Good cameo, tough to get recognition, something new and fresh.  Again, good job.  No sob story.  No my dog died or I stepped on my pet caterpillar to string us along.

Jonathan plays a trombone with dancing.  Unique act.  Only mediocre trombone, but that is a small part of the act.  The performance is much better than the trombone.  Lots of fun background dancing.  The act was funny and performed to “Dancing in September”.  They did a Lawrence Welk style “Overhead flower”.  Piers, as much as we hate to say it, said it all.  He said Jon was “One sandwich short of a picnic, but you’re also incredibly entertaining…”.  Sharon added, “Great Fun”.

7. Specialist Daniel Jens (6/10)

Daniel is nothing but an Iraq Sympathy Act.  He actually forgot his words in his prior performance and if this show were real, would not be where he is.  He finally did a good cameo, not a whining act like the first.  His performance was in a rising mist (amazing what you can do with dry ice) and the guitar was actually in tune.  It was the chorus where he showed how poor a performer he really is.  At that point, he gave up his guitar and showed that none of the music was actually his, it is a CD.  Daniel has a fan cluster in fatigue T-shirts that say “America’s got Jens”, but he has no real talent.  Piers tells him like it is, he does not have the voice to play in Vegas, or anywhere else.  We give Jens credit for trying to finally be genuine here, no tear-jerking bull, but we never liked him.

8. Slippery Kittens (7/10)

This is a middle aged burlesque show.  There was a good cameo.  No crybaby antics.  “We are going to show you burlesque like it has never been done before”.

They started with sexy boy scout outfits in miniskirts.  These gals do have gams, and other attributes.  Great choreography!  Fun, but not exceptional talent.  Great for a USO performance though!!  Our troops would LOVE these gals!!  They finally discarded their boy scout uniforms for Red White and Blue outfits that look like bathing suits.  Piers buzzed because he hates everything American, but it was fun stuff.  Not a million bucks worth, but fun.  Standing O.  Too many tattoos on the leader, but legs!  This clearly played to the Oedipus complex, and did a pretty good job.

These gals will appeal to middle aged men throughout America!  MILFS.

9. George the Giant (5/10)

This is a 7’3″ guy that does weird things.  He said in his cameo, he only fits in on the stage.  Nice cameo.  No sob story.  Says he went to the hospital trying to perform his upcoming act.  “If that means risking my life, that is what I am going to do”.  Not unrealistic for a million bucks.

George came in chained, looking like Harry Houdini.  He strung himself upside down and then blew it.  He had kids brought in to beat him like a pinata.  Piers buzzed him immediately.  Sharon followed.  He escapes from his chains while being beaten by a fat woman with a baseball bat and coughs up a ton of candy.  Judges look on in shock.  Funny for 30 seconds, but no Vegas act.

10. Queen Emily (8/10)

Once again, it isn’t over until the “Fat Lady” sings.  This gal can whale.  Whoops…wale.  Sorry.  “This is a dream come true”.  Not a horrible cameo.  No real sob story.  “Nothing is impossible.”  Corny, but not stupid.

Emily came out dressed like Queen Latifah in a long red dress that has a cape with tons of cubic zirconia.  Her performance was to “Aint no Mountain High Enough”.  The long red dress looks good, and she fills it.  Emily had good supporting dancing and got a standing O.

Piers called her a superstar.  Someone that can beat Michael Phelps.  Piers has to have someone tell him how stupid he sounds.  He just demonstrated his total contempt for Amymerica.  Making any comparison of this woman to a man that just set the world record for most gold medals in an Olympics after 36 years is like comparing a breath mint to the cure for Polio.  It is downright stupid.  “You are now absolutely the front runner.”, Piers blathered (we are not so sure about that).  At first, the performance sounds great, but a review of the performance makes one realize the Queen is little more than Karaoke.  Her singing was drowned out by the background which was mostly the original Supremes.

Here are our picks:

1. Zoo-perstars. No false hype.  No nonsense.  This is just hysterical fun.  These guys are great comics.  Piers misses the point entirely.
2. Queen Emily. A bit of Karaoke.  We know she can sing, but she has to do it next time on her own or she won’t be here.
3. Beyond Belief Dance Company. We liked them because they were nothing but true effort and talent.
4. Slippery Kittens. We liked the show for its “Desperate Housewives” feel.  Some hot women dancing and performing burlesque.  It isn’t new, but it sure isn’t tired like many of the acts on this show.  Great job ladies.
5. Jonathan Arons. We have no idea why this guy sticks in our minds, but he was fun.  We laughed, we cried, well, we at least laughed.  He is funnier than the two presidential candidates by a long shot.  So we stuck with him.

What we think the audience will vote for:

1. Queen Emily
2. Zoo-perstars
3. The Wright Kids (unless they can see around the child sympathy act again)
4. Paul Zalos
5. Slippery Kittens